So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I could make wine with my vomit
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
