I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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