I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
