Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
