k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
