My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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