i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
