my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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