Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
