Apparently you make a good broom.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
