my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
