i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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