remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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