I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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