We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
