genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize