I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
