the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
