i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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