i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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