Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
