And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
