White coat. Heels.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
