i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize