at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
