just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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