ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I feel great
I just peed on a car
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
