So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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