There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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