"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
