he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
