and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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