Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
