dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
