My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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