Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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