I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize