I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
