found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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