Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
