i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
