I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
