I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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