Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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