I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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