i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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