How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
