There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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