my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
