Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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