Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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