Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize