Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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