Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
this just has baby written all over it
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
