My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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