So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
