you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
