Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
