Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
