How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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