I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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