This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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