im drinking this country out of the recession.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
